Naturally I was shocked... deeply distressed... and devastated... I felt pain that hurt so deeply, a guttural scream, (that originated in a place deeper inside of Me than inside of my bones and deeper even than in the pitt of my stomach... but from the deepest depths of my core)... tore its way through my very soul as it made its way to the surface...
It has taken me all this time to start to understand that this really hasn't happened in real life; that this really isn't something I have proof he feels but in fact, if anything, I have proof of the contrary... Now whether I am picking up on something subtle and these nightmares are an internal warning to back off a little bit for a little while... whether they are simply an outworking of huge PTSD issues after Darren's lying and prying into my psyche, only to turn around and damn me for what he demanded from me in the first place... PTSD from others' emotionally contemptuous and abusive treatment of me... or whether I am just simply afraid... I really cannot tell...
For the sake of my sanity, at least in the short term, however, I have decided to do what I can to subdue the urge I have (which is greatly encouraged by 'him') to lay my soul bare and to reveal, to him, everything I am thinking and feeling... I need to feel as though I have 'skin on'... not just in front of him... but even when I am alone... for My sake...
Boundaries are okay... I desperately need to remember this... and I need to find a way to define them even when I so whole-heartedly don't want to... I want to tell him everything (that he wants to know)... I want to be truly known... and eventually... loved... by him... But right now, for there to be even the slimmest hope of that happening, I have to find a way to 're-group' and to find my truest self and my confidence again... And I can't do that all the while I am emotionally bleeding in front of him... whether that bleeding be beautiful and wonderful (falling so innocently and completely in love), or tragic and painful (falling apart and drowning in my past)... I just can't
It is too much... It is too soon... And although that is not how I feel... or even what I want... it has become apparent that this is, in fact, the case, via my lack of ability to remain confident and whole under his silent, steady gaze...
Insecure and broken is NOT sexy... nor is it what he loves about Me... (He loves My strength and My force of will and My determination... and my Heart)... He is not Darren or Peter or Rob or Andrew... or any of the others who have come before... And I will NOT allow Myself to be reduced, either in my own experience, or in His eyes, to the anxiety-ridden and paralysed, brittle and fragile, broken-ness and pain that I keep transiently drowning in right now... It simply is NOT going to HAPPEN!
I want him in my life in a healthy way... In a way that just might stick, if he is the right person for Me... And even more than any of that (which is more than enough motivation in and of itself because, already, he is so very important to Me), I want to be able to do this; to get it right... because only then will I be able to know what this part of Safe looks like... and only then... once I know how to say 'No', will I finally be able to say... 'Yes'...
I want to love and to be loved...
And right now, I am, in and out of (you've just got to love this multiplicity thing huh? :/) falling in love... with Him
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