For far too long now, my hair has been stained with Elyria's Darkness...
And it simply won't come out...
It is too Late...
No matter what I do right now, Elyria (and those she brings with Her), is here, for as Long as She wants... to stay
It has come to the point, where I cannot even truly recognise photographs of Myself as the blonde I have always been...
The blonde-ness looks wrong... and out of place... and unattractive... It looks like a bad choice that I once made... and looking at those photographs repulses Me, as I wonder how I could possibly have ever thought that I looked good as the blonde I actually naturally am by Birth!
That I can still remember, via 'snapshots' of words that describe emotions I am not able to connect to but somehow know happened in this Body, loving being a blonde... and being praised as Beautiful... even having believed as such Myself... well... it disturbs Me on a very deep level...
I am afraid to Trust... After all, how could I possibly trust eyes that would one day tell Me I was beautiful as a blonde, which now betray whomever I was at that point in time, with eyes that now tell Me that I looked repulsive as that blonde... and only Beautiful now that I am Raven-haired and my true colour??? And all for no more proof or reason I can find, than a simple psychological switch???
Yes, I am disturbed... internally... and externally
Deeply.
Even my daughters know the name Elyria... and that it belongs in some way (even though they do not understand how)... to Me
Elyria is making changes in My Life that I do not know whether or not I should want and embrace or not... Most of them are Protective... and... long overdue... But as I can only guess at the wisdom and functionality of what I may have once wanted, (for Her feelings and belief systems are so very strong right now), what am I to do?
I am not even sure of how it is that I am even writing in here... I recognise My Voice... but I do not know why She is allowing it... or Me... I no longer even know if I am Me... or if perhaps She actually is the Me that 'We' truly are... Or perhaps neither of 'Us', nor any others of 'Us' inside are truly a Me...
I don't even know anymore... And I used to feel as though I knew
I am grateful for the opportunity, not the chance, as it is not by chance I am here, but by Her Choice, and so therefor, opportunity... to breathe in here... I felt like I was suffocating...
She is so Dark... and deceptively balanced... But her hatred of the World last night, came screaming to the surface... after a Betrayal that She accidentally found confirmation of, yesterday... And I am powerless to shut It or Her down...
I think, perhaps, I am screaming out for Help in here right now... But it will not do any good... because the second I stop writing, I will be gone again... Her Hatred will reign... and although, on some level, I will keep 'Us' secluded from those She would seek to eradicate from 'Our' Life, I will not be here to feel... only Elyria and Her Gang will be around, controlling everything... And what 'They' do not feel... what I cannot make 'Them' feel... well, I cannot force any of 'Them' to Act upon... It is only this Internal Treaty that has, so far, kept, the almost imminent now, massive sweeping changes 'They' see as necessary, from having already been enforced... and even that is only possible because of this current Internally-Agreed-Upon seclusion
It is time for Me to go now...
My Feelings have been becoming a Little too strong (how and why is there a Little in here somewhere???)... and the Threat I am beginning to pose to this current World Order, could have Me lose this Space (journal) altogether, if I do not Honour this Trust and Leniency I have been momentarily and provisionally Granted
I am not even really sure of My Name... I only know, that I am whomever usually writes in here... And that 'Our' psychologist is going to be truly Tested and then kept or discarded by Elyria, based entirely upon whether She passes or fails this latest Opportunity to Get to Know 'Us'...
I am Afraid
No comments:
Post a Comment