I have just spent the last hour and a half or so, in my car, finishing reading one of my 'Emily Strange' books, instead of clearing out junk and organising my House the way I should have been...
Steve, while not what could really be defined as a 'relationship' exactly, I found attractive in a way because while he still had 'stuff' (but not to point of hoarding), it was interesting personal stuff... and he was still able have that stuff and to maintain a stylish minimalism... Our relationship was never really more than a friendship that occasionally (via mutual agreement) 'crossed the line'... but I liked it; it was simple and honest...
Possible title for next entry: Hoarding and D.I.D. - IS it actually hoarding at all???
What is with that anyway???
Why am I so obsessed by organising and reorganizing it all? What's so darned important??? particularly as I have managed to completely organize everything before only to have then felt so freaked out that I deliberately messed it all up so that I could reorganize it... again!
I really don't get it...
I mean, it gets in the way of sooooooooo much I need and want to do... I want to LIVE my Life...
And yet, I cannot deny... not even a little bit... that organising and de-cluttering literally thrills Me somewhere deep down inside...
I remember that being something I was deeply attracted to about the idea (and the actuality) of spending time with Ben at his house when we were together...
Everything inside of my mind just went quiet when I was there... Each and every one of his million-gazillion-billion comics and books, which could have been so incredibly overwhelming, were instead, organised to pathological perfection...
Even now, I get a tingly shiver run down my spine, just remembering...
And Rob had/has so few personal items and was/is so into controlled minimalism that I couldn't help but be drawn to him on that level...
Darren, on the other hand lived in such an out of control, chaotic, filthy house that the potential for drastic change and improvement overrode my horror and repulsion at the idea of anyone living in such a place... Even his lifestyle was screaming for an organizational overhaul (which he begged me to help him with; I'd NEVER try to enforce my belief systems and values on another like that)... And until I saw that he was essentially, not incapable but instead, simply too lazy to bother keeping up with even the most basic of maintenance, and on top of that, was taking me for granted and slagging me off to all of our friends behind my back, I was a Happy of sorts...
Interestingly, Peter never really rated on any of these scales... He was messy and a mild hoarder and expected me to mindlessly pick up after him... He had a very 'entitled' attitude, which had nothing whatsoever to do with BDSM practices...
Although... mentally... inside of my own mind, he created massive messes that I almost lost my mind trying to untangle, categorize, neutralise, and store away in boxes never to be touched again... So perhaps he was not quite a complete dead-loss in the attraction-as-the-result-of-this-unhealthy-obsession-with-organisation that I have...
That does not explain my ex-husband, Andrew, though...
Or maybe it does...
Maybe our complete incompatibility (he was a hoarder and I was not) on this level was a part of what was driving me crazy...
Steve, while not what could really be defined as a 'relationship' exactly, I found attractive in a way because while he still had 'stuff' (but not to point of hoarding), it was interesting personal stuff... and he was still able have that stuff and to maintain a stylish minimalism... Our relationship was never really more than a friendship that occasionally (via mutual agreement) 'crossed the line'... but I liked it; it was simple and honest...
L and S, on this level, I was drawn to in this way because, while both are hoarders, L was chronic and S was a strange mix of unpredictably minimalist and hoarder all at once (something I find psychologically fascinating)...
Either way, they asked for my help and before I could clearly see that I was being used and taken for granted in damaging ways in that unconventional relationship, the prospect and actualisation of beginning that gargantuan task, again, thrilled me in ways that seem a little too intense to be either natural or healthy...
I am sure there is more unpacking of this subject that I need to do, in order to free myself of the detrimental side of my compulsion... but that is going to have to wait for a bit as I have already spent more time than I had planned on, just reading in my car and then writing this entry...
Or maybe I actually should just keep doing what I want to do instead of what I feel compelled to do; I don't know...
Possible title for next entry: Hoarding and D.I.D. - IS it actually hoarding at all???
Anyway, catch ya!
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