Uh-oh...
Here we go again.........
:'(
Backlash against so much internal soul-searching and upheaval is coming thick and fast right now...
I have coping mechanisms designed to keep me safe and writing is one of them...
I am just hoping that I will be in a position (by morning) to be able to make the right decisions I need to make regarding my mental health and refusing to be forced (by 'those inside') to retreat from this lifelong dream...
I honestly cannot pin down what it is that has me suddenly so deeply destabilised that I cannot predict or contain this outpouring of franticness and internal screaming... Mentally, I am incredibly fatigued and I am yet to even begin, let alone complete, so much of the work ahead of me... And physically, my pain is spiking so badly, I am finding sleep almost impossible (I get 5-20 minutes here and there when I have a flare up), I have come down with a chest infection (which I have almost recovered from thanks to having hit it with steroids and antibiotics at the first sign of it) and one night last week, I couldn't even keep my eyes still and focused; they were flickering back and forth as though they were watching a fast paced tennis match ON FAST FORWARD!
I have come to the point where I have dissociated so badly that I can no longer remember what the point of voluntarily putting myself through all of this is... Yes, I want to spread healing through the gentleness of Art Therapy... Yes, I want to finally 'become something' relevant and useful and to be able to financially provide for myself... But at what cost?
Do I have the intelligence for this? Absolutely! Can I complete most of these exercises standing on my head, blindfolded, with both hands behind my back? You bet your butt I can! Do I have ANY confidence issues whatsoever that I can actually BE an Art Therapist? NO WAY!
But is this all moving too fast for me right now? Do I need more time to assimilate these massive changes in my life? Do I need time to adjust and to allow 'everyone inside' to catch up? YES!
Do I have the luxury of that time? No :(
So where do I go from here? Is it just a matter of hanging on until Thursday when I will be flying out of Adelaide for a few days, perhaps toward rest and quiet study and contemplation... or perhaps from one 'frying pan' into an even 'hotter frying pan'??? Will I be okay after some rest? Do the study modules get emotionally easier from here on in? Should I be switching to the 2 year course? And would that really be any better or easier to handle with its 4 day straight intensives???
So many questions... so much dissociation and internal upheaval... so very little pain free time today... and so little sleep tonight so far... (It is after 3:30am after all)
I know that the middle of the night under these conditions is not the right time to be making big decisions... And no doubt, I will switch out again through necessity sooner or later and wonder what all of the fuss was about... and I will feel the shame of having been so stressed over 'nothing'... (and having blurted all of those thoughts out here in the middle of the night)... But I needed to scream out into the ether where I knew that everyone would be (or should be) asleep but where there was the slimmest chance that someone 'might' hear me (even if they didn't respond)...
It is how I survive...
I scream... I am (potentially) heard... I fix and take responsibility for myself...
I fear 'attention' and pity because they are not what I seek... I seek a safe place, outside of a mind with perceptions I am aware I may not currently be able to trust... And if I can see my thoughts here, where 'someone' might see them... and those thoughts still seem lucid... then maybe I will be okay and able to get through all of this after all...
God! I doubt I am even making sense to anyone but myself anymore...
Anyway... whether anyone reads this or not... Here is something else I have written in an effort to clarify my thoughts and to vent my stress in the hope of regaining control of a more lucid state of mind...
The Madness Returns - by Charli Hope
The rain washes the dust from my madness tonight
Refreshed… revitalised… reawakened… it returns
Threatening all I have worked so hard to uphold
Truths… Hope… Love… Dreams… and that for which my heart yearns
The words of years past, tumble down over me now
Falling… Haplessly... carelessly... abandoned... and raw
And I no longer know where I want or choose to be
But it's not even just that simple… oh noooo, there is more!
Do I dance frenzied and naked, in the cleansing Blood Rain...
Rejoicing in its Life? In its Death? In its purge?
Or do I sit out this storm here in stifled blackened silence
Awaiting a dawn that only prolongs the urge?
So, tell me… Where is my relief? My promised salvation?
The point of still fighting this fight?
Because if the truth is that this is all there really is
I'll be damned... before I'll see out another night!
Are my screams really so deafening that you no longer hear me?
Or have you simply turned your eyes and ears away?
Away from my pain… from my shame… and from yours
Have you turned away despite promising you'd stay?
And how do I scream above a thousand other voices?
How do I scream loud enough to make myself heard?
And this pain in my bones… in my heart… in my head
All that is left of me now is the screaming… and these words
How do I make it all stop and live a life that is real?
When I can't stop trying to outrun the pain?
When I can't close my eyes and sleep peacefully at night
In case, in my sleep, it happens again
So… please, I'm begging you! Tell me!
When there are neither answers, nor is there a cure
From what might I craft myself an anchor to this world?
For exactly what, might I fight to endure?
Here we go again.........
:'(
Backlash against so much internal soul-searching and upheaval is coming thick and fast right now...
I have coping mechanisms designed to keep me safe and writing is one of them...
I am just hoping that I will be in a position (by morning) to be able to make the right decisions I need to make regarding my mental health and refusing to be forced (by 'those inside') to retreat from this lifelong dream...
I honestly cannot pin down what it is that has me suddenly so deeply destabilised that I cannot predict or contain this outpouring of franticness and internal screaming... Mentally, I am incredibly fatigued and I am yet to even begin, let alone complete, so much of the work ahead of me... And physically, my pain is spiking so badly, I am finding sleep almost impossible (I get 5-20 minutes here and there when I have a flare up), I have come down with a chest infection (which I have almost recovered from thanks to having hit it with steroids and antibiotics at the first sign of it) and one night last week, I couldn't even keep my eyes still and focused; they were flickering back and forth as though they were watching a fast paced tennis match ON FAST FORWARD!
I have come to the point where I have dissociated so badly that I can no longer remember what the point of voluntarily putting myself through all of this is... Yes, I want to spread healing through the gentleness of Art Therapy... Yes, I want to finally 'become something' relevant and useful and to be able to financially provide for myself... But at what cost?
Do I have the intelligence for this? Absolutely! Can I complete most of these exercises standing on my head, blindfolded, with both hands behind my back? You bet your butt I can! Do I have ANY confidence issues whatsoever that I can actually BE an Art Therapist? NO WAY!
But is this all moving too fast for me right now? Do I need more time to assimilate these massive changes in my life? Do I need time to adjust and to allow 'everyone inside' to catch up? YES!
Do I have the luxury of that time? No :(
So where do I go from here? Is it just a matter of hanging on until Thursday when I will be flying out of Adelaide for a few days, perhaps toward rest and quiet study and contemplation... or perhaps from one 'frying pan' into an even 'hotter frying pan'??? Will I be okay after some rest? Do the study modules get emotionally easier from here on in? Should I be switching to the 2 year course? And would that really be any better or easier to handle with its 4 day straight intensives???
So many questions... so much dissociation and internal upheaval... so very little pain free time today... and so little sleep tonight so far... (It is after 3:30am after all)
I know that the middle of the night under these conditions is not the right time to be making big decisions... And no doubt, I will switch out again through necessity sooner or later and wonder what all of the fuss was about... and I will feel the shame of having been so stressed over 'nothing'... (and having blurted all of those thoughts out here in the middle of the night)... But I needed to scream out into the ether where I knew that everyone would be (or should be) asleep but where there was the slimmest chance that someone 'might' hear me (even if they didn't respond)...
It is how I survive...
I scream... I am (potentially) heard... I fix and take responsibility for myself...
I fear 'attention' and pity because they are not what I seek... I seek a safe place, outside of a mind with perceptions I am aware I may not currently be able to trust... And if I can see my thoughts here, where 'someone' might see them... and those thoughts still seem lucid... then maybe I will be okay and able to get through all of this after all...
God! I doubt I am even making sense to anyone but myself anymore...
Anyway... whether anyone reads this or not... Here is something else I have written in an effort to clarify my thoughts and to vent my stress in the hope of regaining control of a more lucid state of mind...
The Madness Returns - by Charli Hope
The rain washes the dust from my madness tonight
Refreshed… revitalised… reawakened… it returns
Threatening all I have worked so hard to uphold
Truths… Hope… Love… Dreams… and that for which my heart yearns
The words of years past, tumble down over me now
Falling… Haplessly... carelessly... abandoned... and raw
And I no longer know where I want or choose to be
But it's not even just that simple… oh noooo, there is more!
Do I dance frenzied and naked, in the cleansing Blood Rain...
Rejoicing in its Life? In its Death? In its purge?
Or do I sit out this storm here in stifled blackened silence
Awaiting a dawn that only prolongs the urge?
So, tell me… Where is my relief? My promised salvation?
The point of still fighting this fight?
Because if the truth is that this is all there really is
I'll be damned... before I'll see out another night!
Are my screams really so deafening that you no longer hear me?
Or have you simply turned your eyes and ears away?
Away from my pain… from my shame… and from yours
Have you turned away despite promising you'd stay?
And how do I scream above a thousand other voices?
How do I scream loud enough to make myself heard?
And this pain in my bones… in my heart… in my head
All that is left of me now is the screaming… and these words
How do I make it all stop and live a life that is real?
When I can't stop trying to outrun the pain?
When I can't close my eyes and sleep peacefully at night
In case, in my sleep, it happens again
So… please, I'm begging you! Tell me!
When there are neither answers, nor is there a cure
From what might I craft myself an anchor to this world?
For exactly what, might I fight to endure?
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