I wanted to be held and touched gently again... To hear his soothing, hypnotic voice... To explore his dark and mysterious, yet devastatingly familiar mind...
I miss him...
I don't miss the attempts at manipulation or the lies...
I don't miss the guilt that never truly was mine in the first place... and yet I was expected to bear it and to do so in compliant, subservient silence... and to thank them both for the privilege...
I don't miss the nightmares made real in the middle of countless nights, spent in a strange bed... swallowing screams... blinking back tears... pretending for both of us that I was okay when we both knew I wasn't...
My earlier pleas for abstinence lay ignored and discarded on the floor... right next to the clothes I had never really wanted to shed...
The sickly sweet stench of aftershave and deodorant, taking the place of the scent of soap and fresh water I wished had been there instead; covering a multitude of sins...
Rough hands and... eventually... an even rougher cock... tearing involuntary orgasms from my body; orgasms I both desperately cried out for inside in an attempt to escape the reality of what was truly happening... and which also left me wracked with guilt... drenched in shame and humiliation... swallowing a mixture of bile and vomit as the events replayed themselves over and over and over again in my mind...
No, I don't miss any of that...
And yet I miss him...
How can that be?!
How can it be that I miss someone who could hurt me so badly... so selfishly... so easily???
The shame I feel over this tonight weighs heavily upon me...
My breathing is laboured... as though his stocky, heavy body had collapsed on top of me in post-orgasmic bliss once more... I feel him on me and inside me again... yet he is not here; nowhere near here in fact...
I am so tired... and I am so awake
I can't turn off the television because my thoughts and compulsions are too loud... even now, I am afraid I will call him...
I can't turn off the lights for there are simply too many demons; both 'real' and imagined, hiding in the darkness and in the shadows, just waiting for the light to vanish... at which point they will come out and attempt to consume my sanity... if not my very soul
I have to be up for college in the morning in under 6 hours; not nearly long enough to sleep the emotional exhaustion of this one episode alone, off...
There are so many things I am dealing with right now... far too many in fact...
I have no idea of how I am going to make it through all of this...
And yes... once more, despite all of these beautiful yet tragic words, you would be correct in guessing that no, this is not even the tip of the iceberg... not on this one tiny subject... nor on everything that actually is going on in my life right now...
God damn it! ... and me too :'(
Despite having publicly owned my shame... Despite knowing a million reasons why I shouldn't... I have Alters who are trapped... 'We' still miss him... and I feel as though I would do almost anything to...
... be held and touched gently (by him) again... To hear his soothing, hypnotic voice... To explore his dark and mysterious, yet devastatingly familiar mind...
To rest in him...
... because I miss him <3 x :'(
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