Once again, I have experienced a continuation of the slight internal upswing that began yesterday, today...
Well, perhaps there has not been quite enough momentum for it to be considered a 'swing' as such... but there has been improvement... and really... that is all that counts right now
I think that last night's entry actually helped to a certain degree...
Yes, I was deeply disturbed and very much not okay, as I recounted what had happened... but no longer having to hold and constantly re-swallow that secret, really has helped too... And thankfully the amount that it has helped was enough (although only just, at this stage - the realisation and the positive effects have yet to filter down but will continue to, gradually over the days and weeks to come) to outweigh the damage it did, dragging it all back up again and having to relive it all, in such minute detail in order to transcribe my experience...
Remembering, in detail like this, has also unfortunately unlocked even more memories about my time with 'him' that I had essentially managed to leave buried until now... bad memories...
It is not that I had banished these memories in their totality and am now remembering things I had completely forgotten (although there have been a couple of memories like that, that have resurfaced)... It is more, that I had successfully, albeit temporarily, banished the emotional connection I had to them...
Recalling those memories (until now), had been more like looking at a series of photographs that did not belong to me... or seeing words upon a page, made up of letters, which had meanings, of course, but to which I could not attribute or comprehend the concepts or true depth of...
In short... I had managed to dissociate from them
I am trying to do two things, simultaneously, with those memories right now; process them... and lock them back down...
There is no point, therapeutic or otherwise, in going back over them... They are simply the same transgressions, along the same themes, that I have survived my whole life; only, once again, they have been committed by yet another different face, is all... In this case... his face...
I just need to let it all go again now...
Please... just let me make it all go away again... I don't want to look at it or re-live it anymore! :'(
On the physical pain front, levels are such that I have decided to take codeine tonight...
The Fentanyl finally kicked in around 5am and began to take the edge off of the pain but it is still nowhere near enough... *sigh* I hate taking these drugs... but what choice do I have right now?
Without them, I am not only in pain, but also dangerously suicidal and (from what I can tell at this stage) also in danger of a serious psychiatric breakdown...
The pain has been so severe and for so long now that I am often not even able to recognise when I am in pain and when I am not anymore... I know that I can barely move... and I know that I am often in tears as the direct result of something that has not been triggered emotionally... but I no longer understand what the feeling of 'pain' is; perhaps because it has become so constant that I have nothing pain-free to compare it to anymore... I don't know
A girlfriend of mine dropped by for a little while last night... I was surprised by how relieved I was to see her... The visit certainly wasn't easy... but I was grateful
Last night I also came to the realisation (all by myself) that what has felt like months already, had, in fact, only been one week and two days...
Having that tiny, precious piece of logic to hold onto, was world-changing...
Only... one week... and... two days... not months...
Just a small amount of time... a manageable amount of time... an understandable amount of time...
Not a betrayal of trust...
Not the end of the world...
Just one week... and two days
It was a way out of the excruciatingly painful insanity that had begun to take hold of my mind... Just one week and two days... who would have possibly thought that such a simple realisation could have been so freeing???
I think perhaps, above anything else, this may be why I am finally on my way back out of this hellish fog...
And you know what? It has not even been about the situation itself... It has been about trust and potential complete loss, not the loss of what was
I am not okay just yet... I still have a long way to go before my general mental state is anything close to stable and safe and okay... (and it hasn't all been about this 'one week and two days' thing either, that was really only a catalyst)... but I seem to have found just enough undeniable logic and sanity with which to fight the rest of this... I hope
Add to that, the fact I am now back on pain killers, which are hopefully going to help me improve my quality of life and my ability to think straight (and not have everything so badly warped by pain)... and I think that, just maybe I might be finding my way back out...
I am exhausted... and extremely fragile still (it doesn't take much for me to end up in tears and feeling completely overwhelmed)... but on a much deeper level, I am feeling a little more solidification beginning to happen as the ground begins to re-form beneath my feet and my free-fall into the abyss begins to slow...
I am going to be okay... and I am making that happen... Alone
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