Switching...

These past 36 hours or so, I have been switching a lot...

I find myself reading back over certain recent journal entries and derisively dismissing almost everything I have written in them... There is this disturbing disconnectedness... I feel as though I am reading someone else's writing; as though I am looking down at this pathetic creature before me with almost nothing but contempt...

And then... I remember...

This is Me...

I am... multiple :'(

These are my feelings... These are my words... This is... My Heart... bleeding on the page before Me...

And no matter where I have run to inside of my mind, I cannot escape these truths...

For as much as however I am feeling and whomever I am right at this moment is real... so is what I was feeling... what I did write... who I was then...

Even as I write these words, I can feel myself softening once again... the harshness and the contempt suddenly seem so foreign once more... and whomever it was that was 'out' reading back over some of my most recent entries, attempting to resist the urge to vomit, seems to have disappeared inside again... no warning... no explanation... just vanished

As ludicrous as it sounds... I feel hurt

I feel afraid to write what I am really thinking and feeling right now... I am afraid of being mocked and judged again... not by people in the outside world... but by whomever it was that was just 'here'...

I also feel ashamed of feeling this way... because, multiple or not, I logically understand that these 'people' all exist within my mind; my one mind...

I know that I have to push through it... Just as I have had to push through the fallout I have had of late from people who actually do exist in the 'real world'... It's just hard... and it hurts when you are not even safe from judgement and ridicule within your own mind :'(

(Real time and date for this entry 31/05/13 11:59pm)