To be known by you... even when I do not know you, myself

My ghost is back...

And has been for a few weeks now...

I can't believe the timing...

Hmm... Timing seems to have been playing an awfully big role in my life of late... As a matter of fact, timing and co-incidence have been out of control for quite some time now... Thankfully, most of the time, in a good way...

I don't know what to read into all of this timing and co-incidence stuff... if anything...

I do know that I am grateful my ghost is back, for however long it will be this time... I need something and someone right now, who is completely separate from my day to day life here in Adelaide; someone whose life runs parallel to mine but is not greatly effected one way or another, no matter what is going on (or isn't)...

It is strange, having someone in my life who knows so much more about me than I do about them... Strange... but even more strangely, my ghost (M) is not the only person like this in my life... There are two others; both here in Adelaide... One is someone I have occasional phone and email contact with, who has been reading my journals since the beginning and who has known about journals that no-one else in the whole world knew about; my 'Winniet' (R)... And the other is someone who entered my life more recently (B); someone I connect with on levels that are different to the levels I am able to connect with anyone else in my life with...

In some ways, it is refreshing to be better known by someone else than I know them... It gives me a fresh perspective on many things, including myself... And for that I am grateful... especially right now

It is lonely and disconcerting and unfulfilling at times too...

There are so many times that I wish that I too, could truly know the person with which I am interacting (where it comes to these three)... That they would share their hearts with me, the way that I do with them... That I knew where I stood... by being able to tell, myself, instead of having to depend almost solely on whatever information they volunteer (which at times is precious little)... That in knowing them better, I could give better to them...

But overall... I think that relationships like these, where I am not able to predict every move before it is ever made, are good for me... They give me hope that 'the One' is still out there; someone who just might understand and love me... who is my equal... someone I can love and trust and respect and admire...

I do not necessarily believe that there is only one perfect match for each person 'out there'... I do, however, believe that my matches, in particular, are few and far between... and in all honesty, as much as I hate to admit it... I do not believe I have found any of my potential 'Ones' yet...

If I had, we would be together now... and happy

I care about all three of these people... in very different ways... for very different reasons...

It makes me sad, that their presence in my life is so unpredictable and transient... but perhaps that is the way it is meant to be...

Perhaps the kind of relationship I need actually doesn't exist at all... and I will always only find precious fragments of it scattered throughout the friendships I hold most dear... Maybe that is just the way it is...

I do not know...

I only know that I want to love and be loved... and I want, at last... to be safe