Strip it all bare? Or attempt to re-build, despite it all?

I want to strip my bedroom back down to almost nothing...

Nothing but the bare essentials anyway...

Basic black and white... Empty... Soul-less... Dead... and done

Am I switching? Am I changing? Am I simply reacting?

And more to the point... should I actually do it? Should I strip it back to nothing and see if that brings me any peace?

Why am I so not Me right now?

Right now I am even looking seriously at the possibility of walking away from everyone I know...

I remember loving my time alone... but now, alone or with somebody, I feel so incredibly lonely and empty... to the extent that it is causing me physical pain... particularly when I am alone though...

None of this makes any sense whatsoever...

And why can I suddenly not shake this fear that if I have this surgery, I either might not or won't, make it through, alive?

What the hell is wrong with Me?

I feel so incredibly dis-satisfied...

Everything has become... meaningless

I am seriously considering un-enrolling in my art therapy course...

If I am completely honest... I am also seriously considering un-enrolling from Life right now... yes, suicide... And yet I have no intention of killing myself... or dying...

Again, none of it makes any sense!

The physical pain I have been experiencing is still severe... Added to that, I suspect that I am in withdrawal as two days ago now (I think), I simply stopped taking any pain medication... Perhaps this latest wave of 'insanity' is down to that; intense pain, dissociation and withdrawal... Who knows?

But whether I can sleep or not, I guess it is time to at least try...

I wonder if any of this is down to the fact that there is now so much everything in the world... Maybe I am so overstimulated that I have blown a fuse in my head and now nothing means anything anymore...

Perhaps I will recover as mysteriously as I have taken this nose-dive... Perhaps I won't...

Gah! Enough!

How is it that this stupid journal seems to mean something... when nothing does?!

More fucking contradictions!

Apparently, I am fighting this... despite seemingly giving up... and giving up so convincingly, that even I am surprised to have briefly recognised the evidence that I actually am fighting for my life here...

I really just don't get it!

Is this multiplicity? Am I even multiple?

What the hell is going on?!?!?!

Oh, and I am sick and tired of being objectified... And I am sick and tired of GIVING and only getting just enough in return for the person I am giving to, to feel secure that I will keep giving... and they keep taking even more than I have been giving, too!!!!

I... am... so... fucking... ANGRY!

So... how do I fix this? (and stop the instability that keeps sabotaging the attempts I am making to fix it... and Me?)