The Void...

There exists, within Me, a deep void right now...

To be honest, I do not even know why... or what has caused it...

Yes, there are lots of  'obvious' possible reasons, but in reality, none of them actually fit... not really... This void goes deeper than anything that has been taking place in my life of late... It is simply that it has now become inescapable...

I am aware of peripheral reasons and rather simplistic possible solutions... but they are all external... and unless and until I can fix what is happening deep inside, any solutions will be temporary and only transiently effective...

My answers need to come from inside...

I have tried... so hard... but I cannot draw right now

This is frightening, in and of itself...

I cannot draw because I have been shut out by 'the others'... or at least some of them... I don't know why... I don't know what I have done wrong... and I don't know how to fix it...

Where once was 'chatter' and activity, there is now only silence and the void... and with every exit from my life, of people and things that are so dear to me, both the silence and the void deepen, gradually eroding away at even the very few healthy connections to the world I have left and taking with them the last fragile vestiges of my hope...

I find myself literally writhing; not only in the physical pain I am currently in (which is quite substantial) but from the mental pain and the pain and terror of knowing that I will survive... no matter how excruciating it becomes

How do I find my Centre again?

How do I rise above the fear (of having potentially just lost something very precious to me), in order to be able to tell whether these feelings are coming from my gut or just my terrified mind?

How do I find what it is I am truly searching for, when I do not even truly know where to begin looking?

How do I stay 'safe' when I am switching in and out so randomly and when the switches are from one extreme to its complete opposite (and I cannot count on the alter who made the decision, sticking around to see it through... but I can count on the alter making the decision to 'promise' to 'stay' and become more and more intense, driving me crazy until I do give them what they want, knowing it is going to be a game of Russian Roulette as to 'who' is going to be there once it is too late to stop whatever is happening)... :'(

And then there is the... guilt

How can I cry out for help and at the injustice of all of this (and expect to be taken seriously in the 'real world')... when in essence... I am doing this to Myself??? It is... my own mind... And yet, this is NOT what I want... And I am fighting so hard against it...

I... HATE... THIS!

:'(