Setting the record straight...

Today has been horrible...

There are many, many reasons... but as I seem to be beginning (I hope) to come out of it, I think I am going to leave well enough alone and just let the darkness slip back into the abyss, without risking the recounting of it, dragging me down with it...

I still don't really know what is going on with Me...

On doctor's orders, I am to go back on all three of the drugs I came off of on my own earlier this week... So far, I am only back on the Fentanyl... but I haven't been back on that long enough for it to be making a difference just yet, so I am not really sure that has anything to do with this slight upward turn I am experiencing internally...

Something, that if I wasn't so numb right now, I know I would find both deeply sad and also possibly vaguely amusing, on some level, is what my 'stats' page has been showing me lately...

Sad because I feel for this person (or possibly people - as there may be two people)... If it is 'his' sister, then I feel sad for her, not only because I can empathise with how it must have felt to have read about some of the experiences I have suffered at the hands of her brother, and her natural wish to disbelieve what I have written and to defend him... But also because, for her to still be 'stalking me online' like this in the first place, she must really have cared about me at one point... of course, there are other potential reasons too I suppose...

I cared about her... deeply... And in a lot of ways I still do... She was incredibly funny... and loyal... and she was such a caring and generous person too... But continuing to wish we were still friends now is pointless... It is clear to me that that is not something she wants... and so I have simply come to terms with it and let all hope of a friendship with her go... She is his sister... and so of course, her loyalty will lay with her brother... He needs her, too (but that is part of another story that it not mine to tell and so does not belong in here)...

I feel deeply saddened that she ever read about the horrible things her brother chose to do to me...

But I did not lead her... in any way... to this journal...

As a matter of fact, I went out of my way to make sure I didn't leave any references to my journal anywhere that she (or pretty much anyone else in my life) would find them... And considering that with only one or two exceptions, no-one I know even knows where this journal is (or that it exists)... and that out of those two people I know who have found it, one of them found it through a deliberate google search of a username I have used on another site before... well, let's just say... on her own head be it!

The part that I think is potentially vaguely amusing, are the search enquiries this person has been putting in, in order to access this journal...

Here is just the current list that shows up... (Unfortunately I have missed some of the earlier ones)

ameythestist butterfly hope
amethys makes me feel tired
happy birthday my butterfly
shallow amethyst blogger profile
shallow definition
amethyst sick

The spelling is appalling... which I guess is good advertising for google, as obviously even the most illiterate of people are able to use it with quite a bit of success... But what surprises me the most is the search phrases she (as I am assuming it was her... or his other friend) has used... Why use such obscure search criteria? Why personalise a search with your own feelings on a subject, when you are actually looking for something specific... How could you possibly expect a search like that to work??? (although, apparently it has worked as it has shown up in my 'search keywords stats' section)

But even more than that... Why invest anything at all emotionally in your brother's ex-girlfriend??? (Keeping in mind she searched this journal out before she knew I had written anything about her brother and I - and I know this for sure as she has called me and told me herself, as well as having made threats over the phone and via abusive texts)

Why would you even bother????

Which I guess, brings me to why I am bothering with this entry...

At first, I made the mistake of feeling incredibly sorry for her (despite her threats and abusive texts - I figured they were bad behaviour but I understood her motivation and I decided to just let it go) and out of consideration for her (as I highly doubt she had expected to find anything quite as upsetting as what she found), I seriously considered, once again, moving my journal... for a little while I even felt incredibly anxious and torn every time I went to write an entry...

That quickly passed however, when I remembered that she had searched me out... maliciously... After that, all I felt was threatened (although not in a way that made me feel afraid; simply in a way that anyone attempting to control another person is threatening) and more determined than ever to keep my journal and its integrity... safe

So being that I have obviously, so far managed, to varying degrees, to do that... why write this entry???

I am writing it because I have had enough of being silent on this issue... If she and his other friend are going to stalk me online and send me hateful, threatening text messages, then I am going to set the record straight on just exactly what did happen... At least then everyone will be clear on what I have and have not implied, happened... And any lies that 'he' is telling in order to fuel their sympathy will no longer hold any weight... and just maybe, these people will finally grow the hell up and go back to living their own lives...

Don't get me wrong...

I am still not going to respond to threatening or abusive phone calls or text messages... As a matter of fact, I don't even bother responding verbally or reading them anymore (and haven't bothered for a while now)... I am simply sick and tired of staying silent in order to protect those who have abused me (and then, to add insult to injury, lied about it) and the people who are deliberately attacking me...

So, here it is... in plain english... what actually happened:

'He' is well aware (as is anyone I have been sexually involved with) that I struggle to allow my partner to go down on me... It is one of the main ways my father used to sexually abuse me when I was little... 'He' also knows (because he was always hassling me to let him do it to me and I ALWAYS SAID 'NO' and explained why) that I did NOT want anal oral being performed on me... I do not like the sensation... and I have also been raped (on more than one occasion), anally... I DO NOT LIKE MY ANUS BEING TOUCHED!

On more than one occasion, when 'He' wanted to go down on me (vaginally), I MADE IT CLEAR that I DID NOT WANT him to extend that activity to include anal oral... HE PROMISED ME HE WOULDN'T PERFORM ANAL ORAL ON ME and begged me to just let him go down on me (vaginally)... HE PROMISED ME I COULD TRUST HIM...

There were some occasions on which I could trust him... and that was great... I was slowly beginning to overcome my fear of having my partner go down on me (vaginally)...

There were, however, two distinct occasions on which I could not trust him... :'(

The first time it happened, he had promised me (once again), immediately before going down on me (vaginally), that he would NOT perform anal oral on me... He told me I should just trust him... So, I trusted him... At first, he stayed true to his word... but then he reached up and held my thighs firmly apart and DELIBERATELY began to perform anal oral on me! It was NOT an innocent slip of his tongue... It was deliberate... It was aimed (as he also tried to insert his tongue into my anus)... and it was prolonged... I cried out 'HEY!' and tried to close my thighs as fast as I could, but I couldn't at first, as he was holding them quite firmly apart and he fought me on it... So when that failed, I attempted to sit up and in doing so, managed to throw him off balance enough so that I could manoeuvre my bottom away from his mouth and successfully close my legs shut tight...

After I had escaped the position he had had me trapped in, he tried to laugh it off and make some excuse about how it was just a bit of fun and how I'd love it if I just let him do it properly... He threw in a cursory 'I love you' when he saw I was still upset despite him trying to make a joke of it, as though 'I love you' would make it alright... Not once did he apologise... (not that that would have made what he did okay anyway)

(God! I feel sick even re-telling this story)...

I remember the feel of everything exploding inside of my head as I tried to make this have un-happened... I kept telling myself that I should just grow up; it was just a sexual thing I didn't like that had happened; it wasn't like he had hit me or held a knife to my throat... Maybe it wasn't sexual assault... And he said he loved me... Someone who loves you doesn't sexually assault you... It must have been ME who was crazy... Yeah, that had to be it... I was just CRAZY :'(

Only I wasn't crazy... And it was a SEXUAL ASSAULT! :'(

But I am very good at protecting my abusers (thanks to conditioning that happened at the hands of abusers in childhood, which has also been re-enforced throughout my life up until the present day)... I made it 'go away' inside... I made ME the crazy one who was just being over-sensitive... I made ME the one at fault for not being 'grown up enough' to be sexually normal... I made it (in my mind), MY FAULT...

In truth, I should have left him then... I should have found a way to hold onto the truth that I saw for such a brief moment before I instinctively began the process of un-seeing it... I wish I had :'(

It was quite some time before it happened again...

The sexual remarks and 'playful' threats to do it again, the first chance he got, continued, just as they always had, multiple times a day... I always told him 'No'... I always felt incredibly uncomfortable when he would say things like that... but I didn't think that it was my right to tell him to stop saying those things... Very occasionally, it would get the point where I would feel so uncomfortable that I would quietly say something to him about feeling afraid when he would say it so much... But again, he would laugh it off and just tell me that I should know he was only joking and that he wouldn't really do that to me...

Then one night, toward the end of our relationship, we were in bed again and he had been making his 'jokes' about performing anal oral on me but had asked me to trust him to go down on me... We had the same discussion we almost always had and he promised me (the way he always did before I could feel comfortable allowing him to go down on me vaginally), that he would NOT perform anal oral on me...

I trusted him...

He did it to me AGAIN!

It happened much the same way as the first time... and I extricated myself as fast as I could, again, much the same as the first time... only this time, I cried... :'(

Too many other things (sexually related and not sexually related) had been happening around that time for me to be able to un-see this one in time for me to be able to essentially almost erase it from my consciousness and to bury it deep enough so that I could make everything normal and okay between us again... And it was after this that I began to have huge problems being able to sexually interact with him without huge internal fallout...

Although it was not officially how our relationship ended... it was certainly the beginning of the end of it... For him; because he no longer had such free and guiltless sexual access to me... For me; because there was this horrible fear of having to survive having sex with him, that my mind would not allow me to bury but that it would also not allow me to see the full truth of (at the time)... I kept telling myself that it was just my own old sexual abuse issues becoming an issue in the present day... that I was defective... that I should just get over it... that I should just make myself be 'normal' sexually... that my fear of him sexually was my fault...

But in actual fact...

THIS WAS SEXUAL ASSAULT!

THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT!

I AM NOT CRAZY!

THIS REALLY HAPPENED!

And worst of all... HE KNEW EXACTLY WHAT HE WAS DOING!

So... now you have it... The truth of what really happened... The truth of what I really meant when I mentioned the sexual assaults... Whether you choose to believe it or not, I really do not care... How you choose to interpret it, again, I really do not care... Whether or not 'He' ever tells the truth about this, I do not care... (Most abusers lie and never admit what they have done anyway)... Both he and I KNOW what happened... I KNOW THIS... and that is ALL that matters to me!

And now... I AM DONE... With YOU... With your BULLSHIT... With CARING about how you feel... With EVERYTHING!

As far as I am concerned, none of you exist anymore... You are of NO further consequence in my life... And I will not be wasting another single second on any of you in any way anymore...

WE... ARE... DONE.

(Real time and date of entry: Friday June 7, 10:49pm)