Right now, I suspect I have enough fentanyl, codeine and valium in this house to kill me...
And if not, I'm sure that all of the supplies of those that I have left, mixed with whatever restavit I have left and panadol and cold and flu meds and whatever else I have in the house would surely tip me over the edge...
These are the thoughts that are beginning to gain momentum inside of my head, getting louder and louder all of the time... And now that my Girls are gone for the week, I am left here to fight it... alone
I don't want to fight it...
I know I am supposed to want to fight it... But really? I just want it all to finally... be over...
I even know a few people who would be overjoyed at knowing this and would most likely be happy to give me whatever little push that was needed to make sure I actually went through with it... (wouldn't they, Rosie... and most likely a couple of other people Darren has lied to about me as well)...
I cannot sleep any more... I am in constant pain... My stress levels are too high for me to be able to deal with successfully... I am no longer able to un-see the fact that, despite the illusion of having people close to me who love and adore me for me; who I really am, this is, in fact, not the case... their 'love' is based on need... which really... means that I am just as alone as I have always been; my whole life...
I have no safe place to fall...
If I wanted to, I could easily just snap my fingers and be literally surrounded by people who would happily worship the ground I walked upon... I have always had the ability to do that... I am a people reader... And so it is not hard to very quickly zero in on what someone craves the most and to give it to them...
But finding someone who would truly see and love me for Me? Who would happily be there for Me, not in order to gain something from me? That, I am yet to find... I do not even know that I believe it even exists anymore... People, at their very core, are so incredibly selfish... And in this instant-gratification society in which we all now live, the chances of finding that diminish with each passing day...
There was a beautiful exception I came across today... An elderly lady saw the distress I was in (when I took Claire to see the doctor today), and she offered Claire and I her appointment time instead of us having to wait for our scheduled time... It was a beautiful offer... and I told her that I was incredibly touched by such a kind offer but that I would be okay... She is one of a dying breed...
I want friends and a partner who hold and live those kinds of values... but the likelihood of finding that in people my own age? Well, let's just say that the chances are slim to none...
In some ways, I am extraordinarily close to overdosing... Yet in others, I am nowhere near close... I guess that is the beauty and the pain of being highly dissociative and multiple; I am beyond broken inside and the pain is excruciating... whilst also being unbreakable and able to survive more than even the most sadistic, horrid monster could dream up, in the hope of destroying Me...
You could be forgiven for making the mistake of thinking that knowing this is a wonderful and comforting thing...
Sometimes... it is...
Sometimes... knowing that whether or not I feel strong enough to keep fighting this and winning, I will survive it and my daughters will not be left motherless, is of great comfort to Me...
But it is a double-edged sword...
Knowing that I will survive somehow, no matter what, also means that no matter how painful my life becomes; whether that be emotionally or physically... I will survive... There is no way out... No end to the pain... and the internal torment...
Right now, I do not know which side I want to win... I don't want to live in pain like this... and I don't want to leave my precious daughters, motherless...
I guess it is just as well the meds have finally started kicking in... I feel incredibly drowsy... And it is probably just as well... because I have overdosed once before... and with the way my life currently is and the state of mind I am in, it could potentially, quite easily happen again... Just not this morning... I guess
There is so much more I want and need to say... but I think I will allow it to wait... because even if I no longer want to live... my daughters deserve better than to be left motherless... I guess I should do whatever I can to aid in that process
I wish I wanted to do this just for Me... I wish that I was reason enough... for Me
I wish I had hope... for Me
I wish I wasn't stuck, trapped inside of myself, watching myself take emotional risks that I know, will only keep pushing me closer and closer to the edge, should they not end well (which in all cases so far has been a 90%+ chance that they wouldn't end well... even though, were that tiny 10% to pan out, it would have had the complete opposite effect)... I simply do not have the reserves or the rights to be playing with the life of my children's mother in this way...
And so now... sleep :'(
Oh... and on some level... I am grateful for the incongruent golden sunshine that seems to be everywhere today... for if the weather matched my mood today, I would have found myself yet another step closer to a death I am not in any position to be 100% sure I even want right now...
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