I can feel my strength and sanity and clarity beginning to return... It is fragile... but it is on its way
God, so much has happened today that it is all going to take a while to sink in... So I guess I should start from the beginning...
I have not hidden the fact that I have really not been well lately... But believe it or not, I have hidden just how unwell I have been, as it goes so much deeper than anything I have so far had the courage to express in here... but to be honest, I am still finding my way back to this journal, so complete transparency is going to take some time...
Anyway...
The first decision I made today was to allow myself to go straight back to bed after I had made sure that the girls had arrived safely at school (despite a nagging feeling that there was something really important I needed to take care of today)... I didn't wake up until 2pm! Apparently I had really needed the sleep... I remember dreaming vividly... the dreams were strange but I woke up just as they had begun to become disturbing...
Upon waking up, I remembered there had been a letter mid-late last week from my lawyer that I had opened and skim-read but not really had the headspace to look at in detail... I decided to face it... and this is when everything really changed!
The cover letter itself mentioned something about a copy of old custody orders being enclosed but didn't really explain why (a part of the reason I had not thought it important enough to pay much attention to earlier than today)... but upon turning the page and reading further I found out that Andrew had informed his lawyer that he no longer had the funds to continue to fight for the changes in custody he was demanding (he was trying to bully me using the girls and wanted all manner of unreasonable things) and so as a result he was now willing to settle the matter by agreeing that he would sign off on the current arrangements for custody (where we both have 50% custody of the girls each)...
I couldn't believe it!
The second great thing that happened, happened as a direct result of getting such overwhelmingly great news...
I had not planned to face the situation that has had me so messed up lately, head-on... I had planned to wait it out and to allow whatever was to be, to simply be... but I was so excited and also, to a certain extent, so buoyed by such great news, that I broke my silence and shared it with the one person I wanted to the most in the world at that moment... I also found myself gently but assertively confronting the situation that had had me so upset and unwell itself by voicing my confusion and asking point-blank where things stood and what expectations this person had... I even had the courage to give a voice to my own needs too!
That in itself was huge for Me... but it gets even better
This person actually engaged... properly...
I felt as though what this person was saying was genuine... And although they have yet to back their words up with actions, I actually believe they will... I also believe that the only reason it hasn't happened so far really is simply a timing issue (which makes so much sense but I do not wish to expand on this any further here, as it is a private matter between the two of us)...
I have tried hard to listen to my gut... I have tried to separate what is feelings of intense fear from what my gut feels like... I still can't... at least not reliably... not yet
Today, however, I think that I have begun to feel the beginnings of peace growing inside of me on this issue because I am being told the truth...
As always, time will tell... only now I am not feeling so terrified by what that result is going to be...
For the first time in what feels like forever (but has really only been about a week), I am beginning to feel hope seeping back into my Life... and clarity... The confusion and the darkness and the internal screaming are ebbing away... leaving a gently growing... peace
Now after having exercised the huge courage it took to confront both of these situations, I held my breath and crossed my fingers... and even sort of prayed a little... and I faced checking my bank account... (I have had less than $10 in it for almost a week now and still had to make it through to Friday - when I get paid again, feeding my two girls and the food I had in the house was fast running out)... The maintenance payment was IN (slightly early)!
It was the last thing I needed to go right today to take out all three of the major stressors I am facing right now...
I am so relieved...
I still need to tie up a few loose ends with regard to signing off on the custody agreement, but although I am 'not counting my chickens before they have hatched', it looks like smooth sailing from here on in...
The girls and I decided to celebrate by going past my favourite art supply store (Art to Art in Harbour Town here in Adelaide) and we got a couple of bits and pieces for an art session we are planning to have as a family this weekend... (below is a photograph of what I got... the girls got 1kg of clay each)
A brush wallet for my ink brushes, a pallet that the paint peels off of once it dries, some gesso (for priming canvases, ready for painting) and a gesso brush
Oh and that is another thing I have recently decided... I want to begin to add photographs to my entries...
There is so much more I want to say in this entry tonight, including how the girls and I also went grocery shopping and managed to get so many of the groceries we needed for only $40... and about how great it was to be able to take them out for (an extremely cheap) dinner on the way to see my grandmother... and how well that went too... and about so many other things I am thinking and revelations I am having...
but...
At long last, I find myself in a position where, yes, I certainly have a long way to go yet... BUT... right now... in this very moment... I am not running from sleep... I have found, for now (and hopefully for longer than just now - but I am grateful for whatever peace I find right now), enough peace so that I am not so terrified of being alone with my own thoughts, that I cannot voluntarily try to sleep...
Sleep will bring my body and my mind healing... and so the rest of whatever I feel the urge to say in here can wait...
I am still taking desperately needed time away from the world around me... and I am still on chronic overload and extremely fragile... but I am getting clearer and stronger... and I am on my way back out of the hell I have been living in, inside of my head...
I just need a little more time... a little more space... and a little more Me
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