Today has ended well...
My mother and her girlfriend came over tonight and throughout the course of the night, I noticed brief moments here and there, where life almost felt 'normal' for the first time in a very long time...
I was out of my bedroom... I occasionally smiled and laughed genuinely for the first time in ages... The pain finally let up enough for me to be able to actually sit, instead of having to constantly lay flat... I even ate a little (it wasn't easy and it didn't last long, but I actually had slight, transient feelings of hunger, so I went with it while I could)... And inside, I could feel the Me who is able to feel feelings of peace and happiness, just beginning to cautiously re-emerge...
Again, it is still early days... and I am still very fragile... but I can feel the shifting and changing inside of me slowly and quietly happening... Hell, the fact that I can feel at all, is progress... :)
I have decided to stay enrolled in the Art Therapy course and to take it one day and one lecture at a time... I even found out tonight, that, not only will I have 19 days to recover from my operation before my first post-operation tutorial but that all three of the scheduled 4 day intensives for my course are on weekends when I don't have my girls; truly great news, indeed... and a great deal less stressful than what I had first imagined...
I believe I still have quite a bit of mental and emotional purging to do yet, before I can begin rebuilding my Life and my self, from a more safe, stable and solid foundation... but there is time... Although I must admit, I can feel that most of it is going to happen over the next few days or possibly even weeks... I just get a sense that now is the time and that now the place in my life for Me to be doing this...
Baby steps though...
Some things, I have decided, I am simply leaving up to fate... Actually no, that is not accurate... Some things, (or more to the point, people) I am allowing to just find their own places in (or out of) my life... I want things to be as they truly are, not as they so-called should be... I do not want something that, or someone who does not truly belong to me... I never have... And more and more lately, I am able to see who and what does not belong to me...
It is (and has been) painful... but it is a clean pain; the kind that comes from lancing an infected wound...
I will heal... I will move on... And who and what does belong to me will finally begin to fill my life, maybe for the first time ever...
Now however, it is time to make the most of this (currently) rare opportunity, to try and get to sleep before dawn (as I am actually feeling sleepy right now... yay!)...
Goodnight x
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