Holding on...

Codeine, Valium and Fentanyl...

:(

I am now waiting for them to take effect... I am hoping, that along with pain relief, they may also bring me some mental and emotional relief...

... and sleep

It has been a huge day... well, a few huge days now really... and I am exhausted

I am still waiting for fresh sheets to come out of the dryer but I suspect I may just end up curling up on my bed wrapped in a quilt tonight instead of sleeping on a properly made bed...

It is true... I am tired... but I have rested and slept so much of my life away these past 8 or so weeks (largely due to the pain) that I continually find myself trying to avoid it at all costs...

Right now, there are potentially huge cracks appearing in my psyche... that, or I am seeing things exactly as they are... and they are really not good... But once again, fear is clouding things too much for me to achieve the clarity I need to move on any of these situations with any real confidence...

In an effort to claw my way back to a place of some internal relief from all of this, I have gone about finishing my bedroom... Aesthetically it was finished days ago... What I have been doing tonight is taking care of the finer details and sorting all of the bits and pieces that didn't fit anywhere initially, into where they will now belong... It has been simple... and satisfying

I still do not know exactly how it is that I have found myself in this place mentally and emotionally... The events leading up to this current emotional landscape, make no sense, when held up against the fallout...

I am feeling panicked about the current state of one particular relationship and the honesty and integrity of the other person involved... but all I can do at this point... is wait...

Time will tell whether or not what I am feeling is panic or my gut...

I have weighed up the pros and cons however, and I have come to the conclusion that acting now, leaves me in danger of losing something and someone I hold incredibly precious... whereas waiting... no matter how much it is currently doing my head in... could result in everything actually being okay...

And should my love and trust have been misplaced? Well, the risk and the pain are worth it... because this person... is worth it

I so desperately need for this to work out right now...

Please, let this work out... please

I am holding on... and I am keeping my heart soft and open...

Please... :'(