Lies and misdirection...

I am sick to death of these cryptic entries!

And yet it is in their cryptic nature that my current safety and space from the world and those around me, lays...

My world is so full of lies and misdirection lately... from others... Others who profess to care, when really they don't... Not in any way that truly exists outside of their own need and their desperation for Me to fill it for them, anyway... and that is not real... not by any stretch of the imagination

I have made some incredibly brave and tough decisions lately... Decisions which leave me completely alone in this world, unless and until I choose to rebuild via new friendships and relationships...

Only, apparently, I have waited too long to implement them... I wish I had acted faster... I wish I had not allowed other things to get in the way of me burning these bridges forever, before this new and confusing information surfaced... because now I am just as lost as I was before I ever made the decisions...

I have a 'friend' who, without warning or explanation or any specific or definable predicating circumstance, put me on a 'restricted' feed on her facebook page (which means we were technically still friends, only all I could see were her public posts)... I took the huge and painful step (although not quite as painful as continuing to see her on my friends list, knowing that we were really only still friends in name only), of actually un-friending her...

I took action...

I didn't just take it; the way I have in the past, and in other ways for so long now that I have lost count of the weeks and months (it has possibly even been over a year now)...

And then this morning, I get a text message... reconnection on some level... communication that would suggest there was not, in fact, a great gaping chasm between us...

I don't know what to think...

I am deeply hurt... and I am angry... and I know that I have been lied to; to my face (not necessarily right now, but in the past for sure) and via deliberate misdirection...

Was the text today a co-incidence? Was it genuine? Was it a way of testing whether or not I would confront the problem in person? Was it a way of burying this issue so that she can continue to walk completely away from me, supposedly, without any ill feelings hanging over her head?

And what of the content of her text message today? She has something for me??? Why? Why now? And how and why did everything fall apart between us in the first place? For god's sake! She is the one who drove me (when I couldn't drive), to go and get my belongings back from an ex-partner who had been cheating on me, then took me to lunch and strawberry picking on the way home (which was such a sweet gesture)... And then out of nowhere - the chasm... I just don't get it!

I honestly don't know...

And then there is the friend who saw fit to actively try to stand between my reconciliation with her, after she walked away last time... Who also sees fit to be regularly passive aggressive toward me... Who constantly misdirects (particularly lately) by saying all of the so-called right words... and most likely even meaning them on some level... but who will not trust me with her anger; the one thing that is literally/has literally tearing/torn (I really don't know) us apart... How could she do that?

And without trust and honesty, what do we even have left?

And why should I have to be the one to demand it, when I freely give it? I lead by example... Her trust and honesty should be a symptom of our friendship, not something I have to ask for... And the bottom line is that it simply isn't there...

Perhaps it is an understandable aberration...

Perhaps, when she was at her most drowning and I could no longer drown with her (but had to take an explained, temporary step back), her trust in me always being there no matter what, and always being so much more indestructible than her, was destroyed...

I can feel her anger... And I have felt it so strongly since then...

Maybe some of her anger is even for my part in her eventual realisation that the relationship that she eventually left (that was killing her at the time), had to end... Maybe it is safer to hate me on some level for that, than to hate him for how he was treating her... I don't know...

But the fact remains, that despite protestations of love and honesty and trust... I feel the anger, the hatred (at times - which for the record, you cannot have without underlying love), the mistrust... and I know about the dishonesty...

She has never recovered...

And neither... have I

Countless times, she has been there for me in the most beautiful ways... and I have truly felt and believed in her love... It really was real... and in some ways, I am sure, still is... but it is now distorted by these unresolved issues and she is unreachable to me...

She is not a bad person... She is not a part of 'the nightmare'... She has given so much of herself to me... And been so incredibly generous in so many other ways too... She is an amazing person...

I simply do not know how or where to find her again... The words are there... they physicality is even there... and sometimes even a tiny little piece of her is there... but most of the time... she is gone

I don't know what to do...

I am too exhausted by paths my own life has taken of late, to be able to keep fighting for something that becomes more and more painful by the day; something that may never truly be able to be healed...

Perhaps our time in one another's lives has simply come and gone?

Perhaps I am exhausted and running away?

I don't know... I've never known where that line should be... I've never had the chance to experience it in a healthy way, in order to have a healthy marker against which to measure this situation...

In my mind, I keep hearing my own internal monologue... Real love stays and fights, no matter what... Until you are dead, you could be fighting harder... If you love her, it doesn't matter that it is killing you... you need to stay... and see it through...

And yet, despite not being able to define where that healthy 'walk away' line is, I know that staying until I am dead is not healthy or an acceptable option either...

If it were just Me, perhaps I would not be challenging this line of thinking (even though I most certainly should be)... But it is not just Me; there are two innocent little girls who need their mother... who need... Me...

And I have been far too close to death for far too long now... Not just because of the issues within this friendship... but for a lot of reasons

Added to these two floundering (or possibly already dead) friendships, is yet another... We had become so incredibly close... and then her life took a couple of major turns and all of a sudden, not only do I no longer see her, but whenever we are in the same room together, I get the distinct impression, she would rather be anywhere but there with me... My attempts at conversation fall flat, despite neither of us having been able to shut up when we were together before... She has suddenly developed extremely close friendships with a couple of people she had not been close to previously (there is more to that story, but it is not mine to tell)... and I have simply ceased to exist in her life

I have a theory or two on how and why this possibly happened... but again, there is very little I am able to say here as that becomes a part of a story that is not mine to tell... Either way, there is not a single thing I can do about it... I am still here; pathetically hoping that the friendship we had, still exists somewhere inside of her... But to be honest... I am no longer able to believe :'(

Then there is... or more to the point, was... My Safe Place (which is now no longer a Safe Place, but a clique in which I do not feel or believe I am welcome)

I shared this place (I now wish I never had) with two people from my 'real life'; one of whom I even encouraged to 'give it and the people within it, another chance'... and very quickly after that... it began to fall apart... well, for Me anyway...

These two people have since gone on to become beloved and valued members... while I have felt more and more unwanted and unwelcome to the point where even when I did still brave attending, (all the while trying to convince myself that I was just crazy and that of course this wasn't really happening), I simply ceased to exist... I still do not know why...

Just as I still do not know why someone else in that safe place (who knew better and had a responsibility to behave better), saw fit to have a go at me and humiliate me in front of everyone there!

There has been no apology... only an increase in the alienation...

The part I cannot even begin to understand is the hypocrisy...

This person had been directly threatened and attacked by another member of this 'Safe Place' and yet welcomed that person back in with open arms... Her whole dream had been seriously threatened by this person, and yet this person was welcomed back! And yet I, who had strongly supported her (when that issue had arisen and whenever it was appropriate to do so, since, including helping out a few times in a personal capacity), and who had not attacked or humiliated her, nor threatened her dream, got attacked and humiliated and was then made to feel unwelcome (with the exception of once socially - at someone else's birthday, and one time after I had sent her an email asking if we could bridge the distance I could feel between us)...

Now I can fully understand, that perhaps she was having an off day when the initial incident occurred... As a matter of fact, I know she was having a really tough time that day... And despite the unfairness of how and where the attack (and the resulting humiliation I felt in front of everyone it happened in front of) happened, I accept, that everyone is human and that maybe she was at breaking point and I was in the wrong place at the wrong time in the wrong way...

I can even accept that she was having such a tough time (and chances are that I covered my own hurt and humiliation pretty well because having shown it would have risked hurting her feelings and would have also made the situation even more painful and humiliating than it already was), that she never apologised because she never even realised that anything along these lines had even happened... And if that were all it was, then, yes it would have hurt... but... I could have found my way past it... I really could have

But to then be ostracised more and more over the weeks and months that passed??? That is personal... That is unethical... Unprofessional... Hurtful... Humiliating... and NOT FAIR!

Still reprimanding myself for being so paranoid about how this person appeared to feel about me, I logged into my facebook page to find, that despite having about a gazillion friends she doesn't even know personally on her friends list, she had specifically unfriended me...

It was heartbreaking confirmation that I was not, in fact, paranoid or crazy... :'(

I can honestly say that I wish that things between these four people and I were not the way they are right now... I can also honestly say that I wish there was a way to fix this... I just don't know how or even that there is a way at all...

All four have been un-friended on my facebook account...

I simply couldn't handle watching them all interact on one another's pages so freely (it came up on my newsfeed, I wasn't specifically looking for it) and then to see the contrast of the nothingness that was left on mine, where once, the same level of interaction they continue to share with one another, existed...

It hurt too much... and it was adding significantly to my feelings of despair and suicidal ideation...

I accept that I simply need to let go of what I cannot fix or change and to move on...

What I need is to find friendships and a love that will be good for Me... Only how and where to find that when I am stuck almost completely immobilised and unable to sleep properly, I really do not know...

I am more than ready to give; and give a lot...

I simply no longer want to be giving into what is essentially (although not completely in every case), a void... I have so little left that I keep drowning in waves of deep despair... Being alone with my thoughts has become dangerous... And the imbalance in my life has begun to lead to behaviours that are leaving me more and more drained and depleted than ever before...

I just can't seem to see straight anymore (when I am feeling like this)... And when I cannot see straight, I cannot make those behaviours stop...

Already, I have found myself wearing a certain item of clothing I have had as an emergency comfort for years (but not ever made use of until recently), intermittently... When I am alone, I am dissembling in ways I am ceasing to even recognise until after it is all over... And my tolerance where it comes to the girls having arguments and hurting one another deliberately, is at an all time low; I feel completely overwhelmed and although it has not resulted in them being treated poorly or abused, I know they know I am not okay... I know they worry... And that... is NOT okay

This needs to END... and now

Now, I guess, all that is left to decide is whether or not I break a promise I once made; a promise to never leave (one particular friendship) without first talking things out :'(

But to be able to talk it out, I would have to be able to have a clear enough head to know what I want...

Everything and everyone inside of Me, right now, is pushing for a complete shut-down...

Not facing things though, is not the way to go... And complete shut-down really is running away... even if it is essential to my survival right now...

The thing I don't know is... What will be left after the need for shut-down has passed? Will I still want this friendship? Or will I have wished I'd walked away while it still hurt enough to make walking away make sense (and in doing so, not allow me to justify away all of the valid reasons I have been so unhappy for so long)?

Until I have that answer, I guess I can neither fulfil nor break my promise anyway...

She doesn't deserve to 'wait' like this... but I have nothing... no answers... no coping skills... nothing

I am so sorry :'(