The price of being Me...

My back is slowly improving...

My mental health, on the other hand... is dangerously unstable :'(

As always, the only person I am a risk to is myself... I haven't cut... I am not going to... and I have no desire to either...

The risk lays internally...

I cannot really put into words what is happening inside of me... I only know that sometimes I feel almost lucid and 'okay'... then the next, I am in so much pain I don't know what to do with myself... and it feels like it is never going to end...

If I just knew... one way or another...

Whether it ends well or in a way that will feel world-ending... I will find a way to deal with it... and to move on... but this limbo.........

This limbo is killing me...

Why am I allowing this situation to matter like this? Why do I keep deciding to force myself to stay open and emotionally honest? Why do I continue to refuse to just shut down... and walk away???

Logically, I feel as though I have little or nothing to worry about... I have no tangible reason to panic...

My gut (or is it perhaps my panic/insanity?), on the other hand... is telling me that the world is already never going to be the same... that those words were not true... and that all of the fears (or observations?) I have hidden (for quite some time now) in entries in an offline journal, were right... (Some of them have already come to fruition)...

I keep asking Myself: 'At what point am I going to simply trust my gut?'

Over and over and over again, I keep asking myself that same question... to the point where it is starting to drive me crazy...

But... how can I??? How can I act on what I feel like I know (but maybe actually don't) when I have so much to lose? This temporary pain will be so worth it, if my 'trust' has not been misplaced and everything works out the way I have been promised... If that promise was a lie, I will be devastated... but having remained respectful and silent and still, despite the pain, will still have been worth it... because I will have remained true to who I am and I will have proven, once again, that I can be trusted... no matter what

On some level, I actually do understand that this pain I am feeling is redundant... I mean, if it is panic and not actually my gut that has me feeling this way, and everything turns out to be fine... there will have been no reason to be in pain like this... And if my trust has been misplaced and I have, in fact, been lied to... then this person will not have been worth the pain I have been feeling... Or more to the point, the person over which I have been feeling this pain, will never really have existed...

None of this changes the fact that despite the logic... I feel what I feel... And no matter what happens in this situation... I will have, once more, said and done every single thing I could... I will have given all that I am... I will have behaved honestly and with integrity...

I will have been true... to Me

I hate hurting like this... but in the end... in a situation like this... that is the price of being Me

Please let it be over (one way or another)... soon :'(