Whirlwind...

What a whirlwind today has been!

And yet, in so many ways it has been very quiet...

The problem is that it is now quiet here... which means that I can hear everything that is in my head... and loudly

I want, so badly, to truly fall in love... a real love... One where we match... and deeply connect... and where I am safe from being used and abused... One where I want to be... where I am... Happy

But I don't want it, in order to be saved from being alone... (Yuck!) I quite enjoy the quiet... and the peace... I just get this sense, deep down inside, that right now in particular, it is time for me to enjoy the world with someone...

There are potentially so many people I could pretend, could be 'it'... but so far, I have not found whatever it is, in whomever it is I am apparently searching for... (because more and more I find myself beginning to actually actively pay attention in this way)... Where are these people even found??? Where on earth do I begin looking?

It is true, that in this world full of lonely people, all I would have to do is snap my fingers and I could be literally surrounded by people clamouring for my attention... but 'he' is none of them... 'He' stands apart from all of them; quiet and confident and serene; untouched by their desperation...

'He' stands alone... waiting for Me

He is neither above, nor beneath Me... He is Me... and I am Him

I spend so much time these days, avoiding the silences, in order to not have to hear what is in them... and yet the voices of the demons in those silences are only echoes of demons long since dead to Me and gone from my Life... What is the source of their power over Me currently? Why do I fear them the way I do? Why am I still awake at 5:33am because I am not yet quite (although I am certainly close) tired enough to be at the point where I do not 'go' to sleep, but where I just pass out instead? Why?

They are echoes!

*sigh*

I may not know what the solution is... but I do know that it is time this thing ended... And so now continues the process of defining and taking this 'monster' apart piece by piece...

No longer will I allow my life to be ruled by anyone... but Me!




God damn it! Not once in all of this drivel have I said a single thing I truly wanted to say! I am so frustrated!!!!